I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
