Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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