I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
