when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
