I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
