Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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