My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
