how can u be prego again
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
