So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
