guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
