he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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