Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
