Why is your signature on my underwear?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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