Whod you bang
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I think your dad took our porno
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
