Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
