i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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