Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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