Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
