Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
