No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
