I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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