Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
