I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
