happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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