I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
