Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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