Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
