some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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