I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
