Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
