i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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