seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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