Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
