I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
