I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
