my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
