My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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