i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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