She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
