Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
