Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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