i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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