I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
50% drunk capacity currently
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
