I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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