Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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