Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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