I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
