apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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