It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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