Define "chronic" masturbator.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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