i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
